All of the following pertains to writing essays.

“Don’t fart in your spacesuit. It won’t get you anywhere, it just makes everything smell kinda funky.” 

“And just like farting in your spacesuit, commentary that goes in circles is rather useless.”

“Hypotheticals are weird, guys. Just imagine if you tried to argue something like, ‘if Romeo was never born, all those other people would have never died.’ If that’s the case, then wouldn’t it be that if Shakespeare wasn’t born, he would have never written Romeo&Juliet, therefore preventing Romeo from being born which would prevent everyone from dying?”

“Abraham Lincoln was kind of a mean girl. I mean, look at this, he’s got these insanely passive aggressive undertones goin’ on throughout this whole thing.”

“Like, I know that sometimes you fart and something a little more substantial comes out-” *laughter throughout the classroom* “Okay, okay, I’m glad you all understand connotation, that’s always important.”

“French and Spanish nouns are gendered completely randomly. La barbe.” *dismissive shrug* “The lady beard.”

“And trust me, this whole Shakespeare mess gets even better- if you were never born, then you wouldn’t be in this situation, trying to write this essay! Hypotheticals are weird, guys. Don’t do the hypotheticals.”

“Here is the difference between farther and further: ‘How much farther till Disneyland?’ Five miles, shut up. ‘How much further till Disneyland?’ Five hours. Shut up.”

“But in all seriousness, don’t get too stressed out over these essays. The entire purpose of a timed write is to keep moving forward and keep building your knowledge base as you go along. If you feel like you’re getting stuck somewhere, move on… and it’s highly likely that you’re eventually going to find a solution.”