Read the original here.

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“So there you are, thirty seconds, ten questions, no penalty for wrong answers, so what do you do? Pick your favorite letter, form the shape of a Christmas tree, even pray to ancient gods if you’re really feelin’ it… Horace, you have a falcon head…”

“Guys, you don’t want a gigantic paragraph. It has to at least make structural sense. I mean, if it’s such a giant paragraph that it takes up two pages, it’s generally like this giant tangled mess of a rubber band ball.”

“You’re definitely going to feel all smart by the end of this, super great for fancy dinner parties.”

“The only way to make the rubber band ball worse would be to unleash a cat on it. I am the cat getting snapped with the rubber bands, guys. I am the cat.”

“The trouble with using multiple examples of THE SAME IDEA to prove a point is that it’s like if everyone brought spinach dip to a potluck.”

“Subordinators are like Kim and Kanye… I’ll just let you decide who is the dependent and independent clause.”

“Of course there’s the different varieties like spicy spinach dip, bland spinach dip, ranch-flavored spinach dip… but they’re all still spinach dip!”

“Don’t randomly capitalize words! I mean, are you talking about Thoreau’s use of passionate diction to convey his purpose, or Thoreau’s cat named Passionate Diction?”

“Quotes are SACRED. Don’t use brackets except for minor grammar. An example of the wrong thing to do: ‘[I like pigs and I’m a dead vampire]’ – a quote by Abraham Lincoln.”

“Don’t abuse ellipses, either. ‘The Bible says that God… hates… shellfish’ SEE IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.”

“Seriously though, guys, just give it your best effort. I mean, I like to think that I’m in a room of successful people who haven’t even gone to college yet but are already doing pretty well.” *smiles and gestures to room of high school students* “Just keep at it and you’ll get to wherever you want to be.”